Monday, May 31, 2004
I remembered last night that I needed to clean up the apartment at View Point Terrace, because we are set to give back the keys and do the walk-through tomorrow! So, I went over with a bucket, mop, and broom. On my way, I stopped at Fred Meyer, because I realized I was a day late on my period, so thought for the heck of it, I would get a pregnancy test. With all the stress of moving, however, it made sense that my cycle would be running a little late. I also picked up some coffee creamer. When I got to the apartment, I ran into Jen, our neighbor in the condo on the end, and we chatted for about fifteen minutes. She told me about her new bamboo paneling she wanted to put in her condo, and told me she would bring me a sample of it in case we were interested in putting it into our new house. I figured she would run it over eventually, but didn’t think she would right away. So, I went into the house, and went into the bathroom to take the home pregnancy test. Right after I took it, and placed it on the corner of the sink to await the results, which I assumed 100% would be negative, I heard Jen knocking on the back door, so I ran back to get the paneling for her. Jen wanted to take a look at our apartment, so I showed it to her, blocking her from going back to look at the bathroom, while I mumbled, “Oh, this is just the bathroom.” I didn’t want her to see the test on the sink, after all! She left after about two minutes, and I went into the bathroom to look at the test before I started to clean. What I saw was a positive result. I started shaking and crying. I could not think rationally. How could this be? I was so careful! This must be a mistake! I paced and paced frantically, not knowing what to do or who to call. I didn’t want to call Landon and freak him out unnecessarily if the test was wrong. But, I had heard that false positives were rare, and “a line is a line.” So, in panic, I tried to call my friend Jen, who is pregnant with her first baby. Line was busy. I called Miriam. I don’t remember what I said, but I’m sure it was pretty incoherent. I was crying and blurting out information so fast, that I’m surprised she was able to decipher what I was saying. She promised to come over within the hour, and told me to try to calm down. I set to work cleaning the apartment to help me get my mind off of the test result. I washed down the walls, then realized that I needed a vacuum cleaner. I walked up to Jen’s, still red and puffy eyed from crying. She didn’t say anything, but gave me a glass (I decided if the test was correct, that I needed some water after only drinking coffee that day), and offered to carry the vacuum cleaner down to the apartment. On the way down, I said, “Jen, have you ever taken a pregnancy test?” She looked at me like she had been caught off guard by the question (anyone would have), then told me yes, that she had. I asked her if she wouldn’t mind looking at mine, and she said that would be fine. She looked at it and said it looked positive, then tried to console me. After she left, I just kept working, and eventually, I stopped feeling upset, and went into denial mode. Miriam arrived, and agreed the test looked positive, but wanted me to take another one. I didn’t want to at that moment, so we just talked, and she tried to reassure me that everything would be fine, and that Landon would not be upset like I thought he for sure would be at this surprise pregnancy. After Miriam left, I headed home to grab a few things before going down to McMinnville. I put the 2nd pregnancy test into my sweatshirt and headed for the bathroom where I took it. I placed it on the sink, threw a towel over it, and started getting ready to go to McMinnville. After a couple of minutes, I went to grab the test—postiive. I was in shock. I grabbed my things, headed out the door, and told Landon I would see him soon. He wanted me to take coffee down to McMinnville with me, but I insisted I was dehydrated, and only wanted water. As soon as I was in my car, I started shaking again, and couldn’t think clearly. I pulled out of the driveway, drove down the road a block or so, then pulled over and looked at the tests once again. Positive, positive. I don’t remember the drive down to McMinnville, but somehow I arrived, then pretended like nothing was wrong so I could get through Robby’s birthday celebration with no questions asked. I needed to tell Landon before I told the family, after all. I stayed no longer than an hour and a half, then headed home. Miriam called me when I was almost home, and I told her I was really upset about telling Landon, and scared of what he would say. She reassured me, and before I knew it, I was in the driveway. Landon was peaking over the fence calling hello to me. I thought that he looked so happy, and wondered what he would say when I told him the news. When I got inside, he wanted me to come out to the porch to sit with him while Priscilla played in the backyard. I said I couldn’t, and needed to talk to him. I no sooner made it into the bedroom, and started crying again really hard. Landon walked in and asked what was wrong, and I said, “Landon, I’m pregnant.” He looked shocked, then said, “That’s not so bad.” I think he thought something really terrible had happened by the way I was crying so hard. We just sat on the bed while I told him the whole story from the day through chokes and tears, then we decided to go for a walk to Fred Meyer to get some food. It felt unreal all evening—like someone had just said, “You’re pregnant,” but offered no other evidence to suggest it was really true. I felt no symptoms, and all I had was two pregnancy tests saying “Positive.” Landon seemed calm, which helped me to remain calm. We went to bed shortly after we got home, feeling overwhelmed, tired, shocked, happy, and sad in some ways that just having entered a new phase of our lives (buying and working on a new house), another new phase had already begun—our first pregnancy.

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